You are about to plan the next steps for your family. It is an important discussion, and there are ways to prepare for it that make it go more smoothly.
You have gathered your documents, talked to professionals to understand your options, and done some self reflection about what you value. But that is really only one half of the conversation, isn't it? Your spouse will also have done this work, and will bring their own needs, values and options to the discussion. So how do we consider it all and come up with a solution?
The ConversationIt is a structured discussion, future oriented, and focused on resolution and outcome. The way we generally approach conversation within our relationships does not work here, so a mediator is there to help you negotiate the terms of your separation.
I always imagine these conversations are like a tangled ball of Christmas lights that do not work when you plug them in. Every year, without fail, we turn on Bing Crosby, pour ourselves a drink, unpack the decorations, and find a tangled string of lights. So the first thirty-five minutes of tree decorating is spent untangling the string, followed by another twenty finding the burned out bulbs. But then, after putting in that time, the tree always looks fantastic.
This is mediation. You have to untangle the knots and tend to the burned out bulbs to get the beautiful outcome.
As a mediator, I am here to help you untangle those knots. But it is most impactful when you each show up willing to understand. That willingness shows a genuine interest in resolving your own situation, and it builds trust in the new relationship you are creating.
These are the habits worth thinking about before you begin, grouped by the part of the conversation they belong to.
We have all heard that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. This is a negotiation, and it is a two way street. If you are disrespectful and rude, the outcome will likely be a sour one. When you are respectful, you tend to have more success working together, and more success getting what you want.
Here are the ground rules.
This discussion is highly emotionally charged. Managing your own emotions, and controlling your own behaviour, is part of what makes it work.
Preparation is what creates that calm. If you have worked through the first three steps you are clear. You have gathered the facts, you understand your position, and you know your direction. Your spouse, and their comments, cannot shake you. There is no agreement without you saying yes. You are in equal control of the outcome. Be confident in that. What is left is to listen, breathe, and find a structure that works.
And do not take it personally. Let the other person have their moment to talk and be heard. Sometimes that is all they need, and sometimes it will be all you need too. Their feelings, perceptions and memories are subjective. They are not the truth, and you do not need to defend yourself or counter every point.
In mediation I often say we have to go slow to go fast. We spend our time exploring what each of you is interested in and what matters to you, so that you feel heard and understood, and so you each understand what is important to the other. Then we look at the details and run the necessary calculations to see what the law says and how it applies. Once that part of the conversation is done, the path forward is often quite clear.
Remember too that this year 95% of my mediations have reached a full agreement. If you are committed to the process you will get there. You just need to sit and untie a few knots before you can decorate the tree.
No question about it, a great negotiator is a great listener. Real listening means putting aside your need to formulate a response, and just sitting and listening.
The way to do it is to listen actively and repeat back what you have been told. Do not repeat word for word. Paraphrase. Another trick is to repeat back the last few words the other person said. It concentrates your energy on what they are saying, it makes them feel heard, and it can be an incredibly effective way to defuse a tough conversation.
I know you may not feel very empathetic right now. Being empathetic does not only benefit the other person. In a negotiation, it benefits you too.
Empathy means really listening for the other person's feelings and needs, and then showing them you have heard. So listen, and repeat back the parts about how they feel and what is important to them.
It sounds like you are feeling really scared that you won't have enough money to get by, and you really want financial security.
I can see that when I arrive late it appears that I don't respect you. It makes sense that you might see it that way.
Neither sentence agrees that they will not have enough money, or that you will provide it, or that you are disrespectful. You are acknowledging how they feel, and telling them what you understand.
Do not take it personally. This is what the other person is saying about their own experience. Just because they say it does not make it true. Empathising is not agreeing.
When you tell someone you understand their view, you become more of an ally than an adversary, and trust in the discussion goes up. They calm down and focus on resolving the issue, rather than feeling they have to fight to get you to listen. That works to your benefit, because they are then far more likely to consider your side of things when the time comes.
Open ended questions are the ones you want. The more you can uncover about the other person's fears, concerns, hopes, perceptions and needs, the better you will be at solving the problem and finding a resolution that meets both of your needs.
An open question gives the other person a blank canvas. Rather than answering the narrow thing you asked, they choose the pieces they really care about. I think of it as being a detective looking for clues. A closed question gets me one lead. An open question gives me many more, and may open up something I had not even considered.
How does that work?
What do you like about that?
How does that impact you?
How could we do it differently?
You want to encourage the other person to share as much information as possible, so that you understand the problem. But do not worry, they should not get all the airtime.
I always encourage transparency and sharing all the relevant information openly. When you discuss things from your vantage point, share your feelings and needs around the issue, and do it using an I statement. Marshall Rosenberg created Non-Violent Communication as a way to speak for yourself without aggression, and still say what is important to you. It greatly decreases the chance the other person responds defensively, and it is a reliable formula for being honest, forthcoming and assertive.
As a mediator I sometimes think of my role as a translator. Sometimes it feels like you and your spouse are speaking different languages, and it is my job to help you each understand the other. It helps though if you try to speak the other's language. Choose your words, and the way you share your thoughts, so that you encourage dialogue and collaboration.
My cheat sheet for building those statements is further down this page.
It helps to look at the issues from all angles. It helps even more to look at all of the issues at the same time, so that you can consider different combinations and variations.
Where there are several issues, you can work out where each of your priorities lie. Once you can see all the issues and both sets of priorities, you can make a proposal that meets your spouse's needs on something they rate highly, in exchange for something that is high value to you.
We will explore your situation, your goals and your interests around each issue to be resolved. Those are the puzzle pieces we have to work with. How they fit together is the puzzle, and we can be creative in moving them around and structuring your final agreement.
When you think flexibly, new options may open up.
This can sometimes be the hardest part. People tend to talk around the issues, and find it difficult to actually put something out there.
You want to make a proposal to your former spouse and see what sticks. The trick is to create one that addresses the priorities they have raised, that you think they would accept, and that you can live with. Make sure it deals with all the important facts and timelines.
When you receive a proposal, identify the pieces that work and the pieces that do not, and counterpropose another option that deals differently with the parts that do not work. We will do this together in mediation.
This is the one page guide from step three, built into the page. I have it printed off at my office, on my refrigerator, and beside my computer, to help me and anyone around me form an effective statement. Fill in the blanks and it will assemble the sentence.
Click a word to drop it in, or type your own.
Nothing you type here is sent anywhere or saved. It stays in your browser, and it disappears when you close the page.
We talk all of this through, one to one, before you and your spouse sit down together.
Your pre-mediation meeting is about an hour, usually by Zoom, and it is confidential. It is where you say what you need to say without your spouse present, where you raise what worries you, and where we shape the sessions around your family.
It is also where we talk about how to raise a hard subject, how to make a proposal, and how to hear one you were not expecting.
A free thirty-minute consultation costs nothing and commits you to nothing. Or take the two-minute quiz and get a roadmap written around your answers.
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