What do you want?

It seems like a silly question, but it is surprising how few people know the answer before really thinking about it. It is the most important preparation you can do, because these answers guide the whole discussion.

Four questionsTo sit with beforehand

Twelve groupingsOf what people value

The whyMatters more than the what

Give real thought not only to the first answer that comes to mind, but to the why behind it. What do you really care about? What do you value? What are you afraid of? What are your hopes? What are your concerns?

I have paired those questions with the value words below. Look at each question, then look at the list to work out what matters to you on that topic. It is not exhaustive. If your answer is not there, dig deeper: what is it about your answer that is important? I might say I value my career, which is not on the list, so I would ask again what is important to me about my career, and I might say meaning, contribution, learning and creativity.

These are the kinds of questions I ask in mediation, because they are central to planning your future. Take some dedicated time on what you care about, and what you hope for your family and for your own life.

Self Reflection

Sit with these four

What do you want resolved in mediation?

Why did you choose mediation as a way to resolve the matters arising from your separation?

Imagine your child is twenty-five, looking back on their childhood after their parents separated. How would you hope they would describe their experience?

What are your financial hopes and goals?

The Exercise

What is really important to you?

Read down the list and mark what you recognise. Most people find three or four groupings that matter far more to them than the rest, and those become the thread running through everything they decide.

Freedomfreedom, independence, acceptance, approval, support, credibility, honouring differences

Integrityhonesty, fairness, integrity, equality, authenticity, sincerity, truth

Communicationregularity, consistency, respect, acknowledgement, understanding, empathy, listening

Noveltycelebration, play, fun, adventure, uncertainty, flexibility, exploration, travel, experience

Certaintypeace, harmony, calm, safety, security, order, control, reliability

Relationshipreliability, a team approach, amicable, dependable, friendly, business-like

Growthto learn, to grow, diversity, creativity, expansion

Connectioncloseness, connection, belonging, support, reassurance, consideration, inclusion, appreciation, respect

Conflictfocus on the future, intent of resolution, continued engagement, exploring possibilities, listening to the other's needs

Contributionto give, to contribute, to care for, to protect, to parent, to serve

Trustaccountability, recognition, being valued, trust, being heard, boundaries, non-judgment, benefit of the doubt

Timeconsistency, frequency, predictability, regularity, flexibility, high quality, child focus, presence

Downloads

Three things worth reading first

The Anatomy of Trust, adapted from Brené Brown

Two more are on their way across from the old client area: a non-violent communication cheat sheet, and a co-parenting email template for when you are not sure what to say.

What do you want?

Sit with these four

What is really important to you?

Three things worth reading first

Not sure mediation is your path?