A Structured Approach to Family Mediation
After conducting over 1,000 mediations as a family lawyer and family mediator, I’ve seen clear patterns in why mediations succeed and why they break down. Most failed mediations do not fall apart because people are unwilling to try. They break down because the work has not been properly supported before and during the process.
In my experience, mediation stalls or fails altogether when people lack the information or documents they need, do not fully understand their legal or financial options, or have not had the opportunity to clarify what actually matters to them moving forward. These challenges are predictable, and in most cases they can be addressed with the right preparation and structure. My family mediation approach is designed around creating the conditions for informed, focused conversations so decisions can be made with clarity rather than frustration. ​​
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Working with a family mediator can provide organization and clarity to the discussion and help you avoid these common pitfalls.
Why Structure Matters in Family Mediation
People often tell me they worry that mediation will not work because they have already tried to talk things through and got nowhere, or because communication has broken down altogether. In my experience, neither of those concerns is a reliable indicator of whether mediation can succeed. Most couples have never had a truly structured conversation about separation. That is not how people normally communicate, especially in emotionally charged situations.
Mediation tends to break down when conversations are not supported by a clear framework for decision-making. Without structure, discussions can become circular, important issues can be overlooked, and people can leave feeling more frustrated or confused than when they started. Over time, I have seen that these challenges arise in predictable ways. When information is incomplete, when people do not understand how the law applies, or when there is no shared direction guiding decisions, even a well-intentioned mediation can stall.
Creating a Separation Agreement in mediation involves making hundreds of decisions.. Structure provides a way to organize information, guide conversations, and create a foundation for decisions that are made thoughtfully rather than in reaction to pressure or uncertainty.
Common Reasons Family Mediation Breaks Down
When a mediation does not move forward as expected, it is often because the process itself has not been adequately supported. Certain conditions need to be in place for productive decision-making to occur, and when they are absent, progress can stall. Over time, I’ve seen the same obstacles appear again and again.
Incomplete or Missing Information
1.
Family Mediation becomes difficult when people are working with assumptions rather than facts. Missing financial documents, unclear valuations, or incomplete disclosure can create uncertainty and mistrust. Without a shared understanding of the information, it is hard to evaluate options or make decisions with confidence. Conversations often stall because people are reacting to what they fear might be true rather than what is actually known
Lack of Understanding or Professional Guidance
2.
Even when information is available, mediation can break down if people do not understand how the law applies to their situation or what their realistic options are. Without that context, it is difficult to assess proposals, weigh trade-offs, or move past fixed positions. Confusion often leads to hesitation or defensiveness, which can slow or derail progress even when both people are acting in good faith.
Unclear Goals and Values
3.
Many people enter their family mediation knowing what they want or do not want, but without clarity about why it matters or what values should guide their decisions. When goals and priorities are unclear, discussions can drift or loop without direction. There are often many legally fair and reasonable ways to structure an agreement, and without a clear sense of purpose, the number of options can quickly become overwhelming. In my experience, this lack of direction is one of the most common and least recognized barriers to productive mediation.
Unreasonable Positions
4.
At times, mediation is challenged by positions that are inflexible or disconnected from the legal and practical realities of the situation. This is the one factor that cannot always be controlled. Structure, preparation, and professional guidance can reduce the likelihood of this becoming a barrier, but they cannot eliminate it entirely. Sometimes people are unreasonable. I am watching for inflexibility and unreasonableness in our pre-mediation meetings, but being realistic about this limitation helps set appropriate expectations and reinforces the importance of addressing the other factors that are within our control.
Designing a Mediation Process Around What Works
While people and emotions cannot be controlled, the conditions that support productive decision-making can be. Over time, my approach to family mediation has been shaped by seeing what consistently helps conversations move forward and what causes them to stall. Rather than relying on theory, the process I use is grounded in practical experience with families navigating real decisions under real pressure.
This structure is intentionally designed to address the factors that most often undermine family mediation and operates within the overall mediation process. By focusing on preparation, shared information, clear legal context, and an early understanding of goals and values, the process creates a framework where discussions can stay focused and decisions can be made with greater clarity. The aim is not to force agreement, but to support thoughtful, informed conversations that give mediation its best chance of success.
Preparing for Family Mediation
Before You Ever Sit Down Together
Effective mediation begins well before the first joint conversation. Preparation is not about building arguments or anticipating conflict. It is about creating the conditions for clear thinking, informed discussion, and productive decision-making. When preparation is done thoughtfully, family mediation sessions can focus on making decisions rather than filling gaps or correcting misunderstandings.
Clarifying Your Goals, Priorities, and Values
Before mediation begins, it helps to reflect on what matters most to you and what you want life to look like moving forward. Clarifying goals and values provides direction and keeps decisions grounded in purpose rather than reaction. When you understand what is driving your choices, discussions tend to be more focused, less positional, and easier to move forward.
Gathering and Exchanging the Right Information
Family mediation works best when everyone is working from the same information. Preparation includes gathering relevant financial documents, valuations, and other materials and exchanging them in advance. Reviewing this information ahead of time reduces uncertainty and allows mediation sessions to focus on evaluating options and making informed decisions rather than pausing to request or explain missing information.
Understanding the Legal and Financial Framework
Preparation also involves understanding how the legal and financial framework applies to your situation. People often struggle to make decisions when they are unsure what options are available or how the law is likely to view different arrangements. Understanding the legal context does not mean deciding outcomes in advance. It provides a reference point that helps discussions stay grounded, reduces anxiety, and supports realistic decision-making.
How This Structure Supports Productive Conversations in the Mediation Session
Establish Goals and Values to Define Intentions
We begin at a high level. This is where each person shares the reflection they have done around their goals, priorities, and concerns for the future. From there, we work toward identifying a shared direction that can guide decision-making. I write these goals and values on the wall so they stay visible and grounded in the room throughout the mediation.
Having this broader vision helps anchor the conversation when individual issues feel difficult or emotionally charged. When discussions stall, returning to these goals and values often helps reorient the conversation. It allows us to step back from positions and refocus on what each person is ultimately trying to achieve, keeping decisions aligned with the intentions that matter most to your family.
Work With Complete and Shared Information
From there, we ground the conversation in the details of your current situation. We review the information that has been gathered and exchanged in advance so everyone has a clear and shared understanding of what life looks like now and what resources are available moving forward.
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A Separation Agreement is, at its core, a statement of how life will function after separation. Working with complete and shared information allows us to confirm assumptions, clarify constraints, and make decisions based on reality rather than uncertainty.
Use Legal Context to Support Decision-Making
With a clear picture of both your goals and your circumstances, we then consider how the law applies. I provide legal information, explain relevant principles, and run calculations where needed to help assess options. This context supports informed and realistic decision-making.
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Legal context does not dictate outcomes. It provides boundaries and reference points that help separate fear from fact and allow you to evaluate proposals with greater confidence.
Identify the Best Path Forward
Once we understand where you are and where you want to go, the focus shifts to identifying workable paths forward. This involves weighing options, considering trade-offs, and assessing how different choices align with both your goals and the legal framework. Structure helps narrow the field so the conversation stays focused on solutions that are realistic and achievable.
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This stage of family mediation often involves comparing scenarios, testing assumptions, and thinking through how decisions will work in day-to-day life after separation. By working through these possibilities together, we can identify arrangements that are not only legally sound, but also practical and sustainable over time.
Drafting a Separation Agreement After Mediation
Once you have worked through the key decisions together, the next step is to record those outcomes accurately. I prepare the written separation agreement so it reflects the plan you have developed and gives it legal effect under British Columbia law, while staying rooted in the practical choices made during mediation.
I work with couples who have reached consensus through mediation and want those understandings set out clearly and reliably. Drawing on my background as a family lawyer, I focus on translating shared decisions into language that meets legal standards and functions well in everyday life.
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This document plays an ongoing role long after mediation ends. It guides parenting arrangements, financial responsibilities, and the division of property, and it is relied on by both parties and by outside institutions. In addition if you're married, it is a necessary prequisite for divorce. Because of that, precision and care in drafting are essential.
A Structured Approach brings Clarity and Efficiency
This approach to family mediation is designed to bring clarity to a time that often feels uncertain. By emphasizing preparation, transparent information, legal context, and clear direction, the process supports thoughtful conversations rather than reactive ones. Structure allows complex issues to be addressed in an organized way, while still leaving room for meaningful discussion and flexibility. By bringing structure to the conversation, the common challenges can be alleviated, creating an environment where decisions can be made more easily. While inflexibility or unwillingness can sometimes remain a factor, the vast majority of people are able to reach resolution through this process.
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The goal is not to rush decisions or force outcomes, but to create a practical, workable plan that reflects your intentions and that you can rely on moving forward. When the right conditions are in place, mediation is more efficient, less exhausting, and far more likely to produce agreements that stand the test of time.
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Professional Experience in Family Law and Mediation
Over more than 20 years working in family law, I have supported separating couples in Victoria and across BC through court proceedings, negotiated settlements, and mediation. That range of experience has allowed me to see, over time, what helps families reach durable agreements and where processes tend to falter.
Those observations have informed the way I structure mediation. I have refined an approach that focuses on the conversations that matter most, anticipates common points of misunderstanding, and brings legal and practical considerations into the mediation process at the right time. The goal is to support clear decision-making and create agreements that function well in everyday life, not just on paper. Learn more about how mediation works.
