Building Trust as Co-Parents

It’s fair to say that a breakdown of trust exists in almost every separation to some extent. For many parents, the idea of separating comes with the fantasy that it will bring a clean break, that once you are no longer partners, you will no longer have to deal with one another. But if you have children, it’s not that simple.

Even after separation, co-parents need to communicate regularly, share updates about their children, and make decisions together until their kids reach adulthood. That ongoing connection can feel complicated when trust has been shaken. But there are ways to rebuild it, even if you are starting from a difficult place.

Why Building Trust Matters in Co-Parenting

When trust is low, every interaction can feel tense or uncertain. Misunderstandings are more likely, and communication can easily break down. But your children need you to find a way to work together. Rebuilding trust as co-parents is not about becoming close again. It is about creating a foundation of reliability, respect, and consistency so that you can both show up for your kids in a positive way.

Brené Brown’s “Anatomy of Trust”

Brené Brown explains trust by breaking it down into small, recognizable behaviours. She calls this the Anatomy of Trust. Trust is not one big thing. It is built through many small moments where each person shows reliability, honesty, boundaries, respect, generosity, and integrity. When these behaviours show up consistently, trust grows. When they are missing, even in small ways, trust erodes.

She uses the marble jar analogy to make this idea feel concrete. In her daughter’s classroom, children earn marbles for kind or helpful actions and the teacher adds them to a class jar. Over time, the jar fills up. Brené uses this as a metaphor for relationships. Each time someone shows up in a caring or trustworthy way, they add a “marble” to your internal jar. When they break a promise, gossip, or dismiss your feelings, marbles come out. Trust is built slowly, day by day, through many of these small deposits.

For co-parents who are trying to rebuild trust after a separation, I find this analogy especially useful. You do not have to repair everything all at once. You just need to focus on small, consistent actions that help your co-parent feel safe and respected. Over time, those small actions add up.

Her framework is a blueprint for rebuilding trust in any relationship, but it is especially powerful for co-parents. It gives language to what is often hard to express, the small, everyday actions that help rebuild confidence and cooperation between two people who are no longer partners but still share the most important job in the world.

You can watch it here: Brené Brown – The Anatomy of Trust

Using the Trust Worksheet in Mediation

In mediation, I often use her Trust framework that I have adapted specifically for co-parents. This sheet helps each of you reflect on what you need from the other to feel more comfortable communicating and collaborating. It gives us clues about how to improve your co-parenting relationship and where you may be stuck.

During mediation, we use this tool to guide discussion around questions such as:

• What helps you feel that your co-parent is reliable?

• What actions have eroded trust in the past, and what would help repair that?

• How can you each show up in ways that make parenting together easier?

It is not about blame. It is about understanding what you each need to move toward a more friendly and productive relationship.

Keep Revisiting It

Rebuilding trust is not a one-time task. It is something you will revisit over and over as your children grow and your parenting needs change. Review the worksheet before you make your parenting plan, and come back to it whenever things start to feel tense or disconnected.

Trust is built one marble at a time

Rebuilding trust is not a one-time task. It is something you will revisit over and over as your children grow and your parenting needs change. Review the worksheet before you make your parenting plan, and come back to it whenever things start to feel tense or disconnected.

Each time you revisit it, you will be reminded that trust is not rebuilt through big gestures. It is built through consistency, communication, and the willingness to keep showing up.

Anatomy of Trust.pdf

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